{"/disk/the-office/named/S1-E1.mp4" "all right, jim, your quarterlies look very good. how are things going at the library? i told you, couldn't close it, so. so you've come to the master for guidance. is this what you're saying, grasshopper? actually, you called me in here. but yeah. all right, well, let me show you how it's done. yes, i'd like to speak your office manager, please. yes, hello, this is michael scott. i am the regional manager of dunder mifflin paper products. just wanted to talk to you manager on manager. all right, done deal. thank you very much, sir. you're a gentleman and a scholar. i'm sorry. okay, i'm sorry, my mistake. that was a woman i was talking to. so, if you had a very low voice, probably a smoker. so. so that's the way it's done. i've been at dunder mifflin for 12 years, so last four as regional manager. if we want to come through here. see, we have the entire floor. so this is my kingdom, far as you can see. ah, this is our receptionist pam. pam, pam, pam. pam beasley, pam has been with us forever, right pam? well, i don't know. if you think she's cute now, you should have seen her a couple of years ago. all right. what? any messages? yeah, just a fact. oh, pam, this is from corporate. how many times have i told you that there's a special filing cabinet for things from corporate? you haven't? call the waste paper basket. look at that, look at that face. people say i am the best boss. they go, god, we've never worked in a place like this before. you're hilarious. and you get the best out of us. i think that pretty much sums it up. i found it at spencer gives. my job is to speak to clients on the phone about quantities and type of copy or paper. you know, whether we can supply it to them, whether they can pay for it. and i'm boring myself just talking about this. what's up? what's up? i still love that after seven years. what's up? what's up? what's up? what's up? what? nothing. okay, all right. see you later, all right. take care. back to work. corporate really doesn't interfere with me at all. jan levitson gould. jan, hello? yeah. i call her hillary rodham clinton. right, not to her face, because, well, not because i'm scared of her. because i'm not. but yeah. all right, was there anything you wanted to add to the agenda? me no get in the agenda. i'm sorry. i didn't get any agenda. well, i faxed one over to you this morning. really? cuz i didn't, did we get a fax this morning? yeah, the one. did that, why isn't it in my hand? because a company runs on efficiency of communication, right? so what's the problem, pam? why didn't you want to get it? you put it in the garbage can that was a special filing cabinet? yeah! uh, that was a joke. that was a joke that was actually my brothers and it was... it was supposed to be with bill, so it doesn't work great with fact. you want to look at mine? yeah. yeah. i believe. thanks. okay. since the last meeting, alan and the board have decided that we can't justify a scranton branch and a stanford branch. oh, oh, okay. no, michael. don't, no, no, no, no. this is good. this is good. this is fine. listen, okay, don't panic. although our bills are gonna go on board. we haven't made any decisions yet. okay. i've told him the same as you and it's up to either you or him to convince me that your branch could incorporate the other. okay, no problem. this does however mean that there's going to be downsizing. me no wanna hear that, jan. because downsizing is a bitch. it is a real bitch. and i wouldn't wish that on josh's men. i certainly wouldn't wish it on my men. or women. present company excluded. sorry. uh, is josh concerned about downsizing himself? not downsizing himself, but is he concerned about downsizing? question. how long do we have to act? oh, todd packer. terrific rap. do you mind if i take it? pac-man. hey, bitcoin. oh, that's not appropriate. hey, his old guy, too. are you coming into that? i don't know. i don't know what you mean. look, i've been here to ask you one question. does the carpet best to drink? oh, my god. oh. that's horrifying. i'm a horrible, horrible person. so do you think we could keep a lid on this for now? i don't wanna worry people unnecessary. no, absolutely. under this regime, it will not leave this office. just like that. so what is downsizing actually me? well, you guys gotta update your resumes just like i'm doing. i bet it's gonna be me. probably gonna be me. yeah, it'll be you. i have an important question for you. yes. oh, are you going to angela's care party on sunday? yeah, stop. that is ridiculous. am i gonna tell them? no, i'm not going to tell them. i don't see the point of that. as a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer. hey, john. hey. this is mr. scott. guilty. goodness, john. brian howard from the temp agency. uh-huh. d'nique was sent me down to start today. howard? like mo howard? three shooters. watch this. this is mo. (mimics ah, right here. three shooters. high five. oh, pam. it's a guy thing, pam. i'm sort of a student of comedy. watch this. i'm hitler. it'll fitler. i don't think it would be the worst thing if they let me go. because then i might, i just, i don't think it's many little girls dreamed to be a receptionist. i like to do illustrations. mostly watercolor, a few oil pencil. jim thinks they're good. thunder-mittful and this is pam. sure. mr. davis, let me call you right back. yeah, something just came up two minutes. thank you very much. dwight, what are you doing? what? what are you doing? just clearing my desk. i can't concentrate. it's not on your desk. it's overlapping. it's all spilling over the edge. one word, two syllables. demarcation. you can't do that. why not? safety violation, i could fall and pierce an organ. we'll see. see, this is why i hold downsizing things. it just doesn't bother me. douncizing? douncizing? yeah, i have no problem with that. i have been recommending downsizing since i first got here. i even brought it up in my interview. i say, bring it on. you just still have these messages from yesterday. relax, everything's under control. uh, yep, yep, oh, that's important. right, oh, this is so important, i should run to answer it. shut up, shut up, shut up. , shut up, shut up. shut up, shut up. shut up. shut up. shut up. six million dollar man! steve boston! actually, that would be a good salary for me, don't you think? six million dollars? memo de jam. i deserve a raise. yeah, don't we, um... i'm sorry? there's nothing. if you're unhappy with your compensation, maybe you should take it up with hr. okay? not today, okay? hey, i'm just... be professional. i think i'm a role model here. i think i garner people's respect. i can't turn all down to my employees, please. we have a meeting in the conference room. hey, i say, please. hey, i say, please. people i respect, kirozabine, would be bob hope, abraham lincoln, definitely, bono. and probably god would be the fourth one. and i just think all those people really helped the world in so many ways that it's, um... it's really beyond words. it's really incalculocable. now, i know there are some rumors out there, and i just kind of want to say the record. i'm assistant regional manager, i should know first. assistant to the regional manager. yeah, okay. um, can you just tell me, please? just tell me quietly. i'm about to tell everyone. i'm just about to tell everyone. please tell everyone. okay. please. okay. do you want me to tell them? please. so, can you tell them with my permission? i don't need permission, brandon. go ahead. corporate has deemed it appropriate to enforce an ultimatum upon me. and jan is thinking about downsizing either the stanford branch or this branch. i heard they might be closing this branch down. that's just... hey, if you don't want to call... that's just the rumor going around. this is my first day, i don't really know. yeah, but michael, what if they downsize here? not gonna happen. it could be out of your hands, michael. it won't be out of my hand, stanley. okay? i promise you that. oh, can you promise that? on his mother's grave. well... no. well, yeah, it is a promise. and frankly, i'm a little bit insulted that you have to keep asking about it. it's just that we need to know. yeah, absolutely. i know. i... hold on a second. i think pam wanted to say something. pam? you, uh... had a look that you wanted to ask a question? just then? i was in the meeting with jan, and she did say that it could be this branch that gets the axe. are you sure about that? yeah, i'm glad you're here. okay, pam. uh, maybe you should stick to the ongoing confidentiality agreement of meetings. pam, information is power. so... so you can't say for sure whether it's gonna be us or then, can you? no, no, no, no, no, stanley. no, you did not see me in there with her. i said, if, uh, if corporate wants to come in here, and interfere, then they're gonna have to go through me. right? you know, you can go mess with josh's people, but i'm the head of this family, and, uh, you ain't gonna be messing with my children. if i left, what would i do with all this useless information in my head? you know? a tonnage price of vanilla folders? um, pam's favorite flavor of yogurt, which is mixed berry. jim said mixed berries? oh, wow. yeah, he's onto me. um... oh, watch out for this guy! dwight schrute in the building. this is ryan, the new temp. so, nice to meet you. introduce yourself, people like to... uh, dwight schrute. assistant regional manager. assistant to the regional manager. so, uh, dwight, tell him about the, uh, the kung fu and the, uh, car and everything. uh, yeah, i got a, uh, 78-280z. i bought it for 1,200 fixed steps, now with three grand. that is his profit. yeah. uh, new engine, suspension, i got a resprag, i got some photos. damn it! okay. okay. hold on, hold on. judge's in session, what is the problem here? you put my stuff in jello again! that's real professional. thanks. this is the third time, and it wasn't funny the first time. all right, it's okay here. uh, but people sometimes take advantage because it's so relaxed. i'm a volunteer sheriff's deputy on the weekends. and you cannot screw around there. that's sort of one of the roles. what is that? it's my staple. no, no, no, no! do not take it out. you have to eat it out of there because there are starving people in the world. and which i hate, and it is a waste of that kind of... okay, you know what? you can be a witness. can you reprimand him, please? how do you know it was me? it's always you. are you gonna discipline him or not? ooh, discipline. kinky! all right, here's the deal, you guys. the thing about a practical joke is that you have to know when to start as well as when to stop. yeah. and yeah, and jim, now is the time to stop putting dwight's personal effects into jello. okay. dwight, i'm sorry because i've always been your biggest flan. oh, nice. that's the way it is around here. it just kind of goes around and around. you should have put him in custody. oh, hey! yes, new guy! he scores! okay, that's great. i guess what i'm most concerned with is damage to company property. that's all. putting. putting. i'm trying to think of what other dessert to do. do you like going out at the end of the week for a drink? yeah. oh, that's why we're all going out, so we can have it end of the week trying. was it when are we going out? i don't know. tonight? okay. yeah? yeah? hey. hey. hey. hey. hey. hey. hey, uh, roy's my fiance. we've been engaged about, um, about three years. and, uh, we were supposed to get married in september, but i think we're gonna get married in the spring. do you mind if i go out for a drink with these guys? uh, no, come on. let's get out of here, go home. okay. um, i'm gonna be a few minutes until i... 20 past five, i still have to do my faxes. you know what? you should, uh, you should come with us. because, you know, we're all going out and it could be a good chance for you to see what people are like outside of the office. you know, i think it could be fun. no, it sounds good. oh, no. seriously, we gotta get going. yeah. yeah, yeah. um, we're going to get married. uh, what's in the, uh, what's in the bag? still, i talked to a little bit. no, definitely. all right, dude. awesome. we'll do. do i think i'll be invited to the wedding? so, uh, have you felt the vibe yet? we work hard, we play hard. sometimes we play hard and we should be working hard, right? um, i guess the, uh, the atmosphere that i've created here is that i'm a friend first and a boss second. probably, uh, entertainer third. just a second, right? oh, hey. do, uh, do you like the jamie kennedy experiment? yeah. and punked and all that kind of stuff. okay. um, you were going to be my accomplice. just go along with it, okay? all right, just follow my lead. don't pit me. all right, come in. so, uh, corporate just said that i don't want to-- you gotta find-- oh, thank you. pam, pam. can you come in here for a second? just have a seat. i was going to call you in anyway. um, you know, ryan? um, as you know, there is going to be downsizing. and, uh, you have made my life so much easier in that i am going to have to let you go first. what? why? why? well, theft and stealing. stealing? mm-hmm. um, what am i supposed to have stolen? post-it notes. post-it notes? yeah, kind. what are those worth, like, 50 cents? 50 cents, yeah. you steal a thousand post-it notes at 50 cents a piece, and, you know, you've made a profit margin. you know, go run us out of business, pam. are you serious? yeah. i am. oh, i can't believe this. i mean, i've never even stolen as much as a paperclip, and now you're firing me. but the best thing about it is that, uh, we're not going to have to give you any severance pay. because that is gross misconduct, and, uh, just clean out your desk. i'm sorry. you're an ex-punk! surprise! it's a joke! we were joking around! see? okay, he was in on it. he was by a copless, and there was kind of a morale booster thing, and we were showing the new guy around, kind of, kind of giving him the field of place. so... you... god, you were... we totally got... you're a jerk! i don't know about that. what is the most important thing for a company? is it the cash flow? is it the inventory? nah, uh. it's the people. the people. my proudest moment here was not when i increased profits by 17%, or when i cut expenses without losing a single employee. no, no, no, no. it was a young guatemalan guy. first job in the country, barely spoke english, came to me and said, \"mr. scott, would you be the godfather of my child?\" wow, wow. wow. didn't work out in the end. we had to let him go. he sucked. hey. hey. hey. how are you? good, i thought you were going out for a drink with... oh, no. nah. it's time to... how's your headache? it's better. thanks. good. yeah. it's great. is, uh, are you, uh... i'm gonna walk out. yes. yes. do you want to... yeah. great. let me just... oh, boy. yeah. listen, have a nice weekend. yeah, definitely. you too. enjoy it. wow. you know what this is coming? ♪ ♪", "/disk/the-office/named/S1-E2.mp4" "hi, yeah. can i help you out here? i'm all set then, gotcha. good, i go with the rose. that's a good idea. today is diversity day, and someone's gonna come in and talk to us about diversity. it's something that i've been pushing that i've been wanting to push for a long time and corporate mandated it. and i never actually talked to corporate about it. they kind of beat me to the punch. no bastards. but i was going to, and i think it's very important that we have this. and so i'm very, very excited. that's the thing, it's very sturdy paper. and on the back, it says 100% post consumer content. so what? hello? uh-huh. wait, what? i'm sorry, mr. deckard, i think i'm losing you. hello? hello? yeah. hold on one second. i don't know, hold on one second. you really have to do that right now? yes, i do. i should've done this weeks ago, actually. mr. deckard, i'm sorry about that. but we, can you hold up one second? yeah, just one second. thanks. hello? oh, that's it, perfect. so what i was saying, hello? thanks to what? retaliation did for ted. that is not the expression. well, it should be. this is my biggest sale of the year. they love me over there, for some reason. i'm not really sure why. but i make one call over there every year, just to renew their account. and that one call ends up being 25% of my commission for the whole year. so i buy many bottles of champagne, celebrate a little. and this year, i'm pushing recycled paper on them for 1% more. i know, i'm getting cocky, right? is that all the time? yeah, free sale. six months. i know i saw that. there's something in there, and you do it. i'm saving that, because i like it when the cards go-- who doesn't love that? hey, oscar. how you doing, man? all right. so you give a good weekend going there? oh, yeah, i bet it was fun. oh, hey, this is oscar. martinez. right. see? i don't even know. first day basis. great. we're all set. oh, hey, well, diversity everybody, let's do it. oscar works in here. jim, can you wrap it up, please? mr. decker, please. it's diversity day, jim. i wish every day was diversity day. you know what? i'm actually going to have to call you back. thank you. sorry about that. thank you. one people was coming. thank you. great. get in the cards. get in the car. thank you. thank you very much. ok, thanks for filling these out. and i promise this will be quick. at diversity today, our philosophy is about honesty and positive expectations. we believe that 99% of the problems in the workplace arise simply out of ignorance. you know what? this is a color-free zone here. stanley, i don't look at you as another race. see, this is what i'm talking about. we don't have to pretend that we're color-blind. exactly. that's fighting ignorance. we're not color-blind. we're not color-blind. with more ignorance. more ignorance. more ignorance. no, with more ignorance. ignorance. right. exactly. ok. instead, we need to celebrate our diversity. ok. let's celebrate. right. ok. celebrate good times. come on. let's celebrate diversity, right? yes, exactly. now, here's what we're going to do. i've noticed that-- you know what? here's what we're going to do. why don't we go around and everybody, everybody, say a race that you are attracted to sexually? i will go last. go. i have two. nice. white and indian. actually, i'd prefer not to start that way. michael, i would love to have your permission to run this session. can i have your permission? yes. thank you very much. and it would also help me if you receded. ok. thank you. ok. now, at the start of the session, i'll had you write down an incident that you found offensive in the workplace. now, what i'm going to do is choose one, and we're going to act it out. do you have other ground rules? just look right here. hey, why don't you run it by me, and i'll run it by him. ok. can we steer away from gay people? i'm sorry, it's an orientation. it's not a race. plus, a lot of other races are also intolerant of gays, so paradox. well, we only have an hour. well, just for a while. why don't we just defer to mr. brown? mr. brown. oh, all right. ok. first test. i will not call you that. well, it's my name. it's not a test, ok? so looking through the cards, i've noticed that me, if you wrote down the same incident, which is ironic, because it's the exact incident i was brought in here to respond to. now, how many of you are familiar with the chris rock routine? hmm. very good. ok. how come chris rock can do a routine, and everybody finds it hilarious and groundbreaking, and then i go and do the exact same routine, same comedic timing, and people file a complaint to corporate? is it because i'm white and chris is black? so we're going to reenact this with a more positive outcome. i will play the chris rock guy. i would like to see someone else pull this off. well, let's have someone who wasn't involved in the reenact. ok. i will play guy listening. great. guy listening. ok. anyone else remember? i remember. great. you're the chris rock guy, and you're guy listening. kevin is a great guy. he's a great accountant. he is not much of an entertainer. basically, there are two types of black people. and black people are actually more racist, because they hate the other type of black people. see, every time the one type wants to have a good time, then the other type comes in and makes a real mess. ok. i'm sorry. he's ruined. he's butchering it. could you just let me-- every time, every time black people want to have a good time, some enidious up, i take care of my kid. it was always wanted credit for something they supposed to do. stop it! what do you want, cookie? now, this is a simple acronym, hero. at diversity today, we believe it's very easy to be a hero. all you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness. excuse me. yeah. i'm sorry, but that's not all it takes to be a hero. ok. well, what is a hero to you? a hero kills people, people that wish him harm. ok. a hero is part human and part supernatural. a hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster. that must be avenged. ok, you're thinking of a superhero. we all have a hero in our heart. now, i need you to take these forms. this is-- it kind of expresses the joint experience we had today. i want you to look them over and sign them. it's kind of a group pledge. i don't think i can sign this. i can't leave until you do it. well, ok. it says here that i learned something, and i knew all this stuff already. so i could sign something that says that i taught something, or that i helped you teach something. so pam, where is she? pam, could we change something on this? michael, can i talk to you candidly? sure. we both know that i'm here because of the comments that you made. here's the thing. this office, i think, is very advanced in terms of racial awareness. and it's probably more advanced than you're used to. that's probably throwing you off a little bit. it's not throwing me. i need your signature. ok. well, i know you told me that. well, several times. yes, but you're not listening to me. yours is the only signature i need. oh, ok. those are my instructions from the corporate offices to put you through this seminar for the comments that you made. and the only reason why i made copies for everyone was so that you wouldn't be embarrassed. well, here i am, thinking that you actually cared about diversity, training, and you don't. don't worry about dating. all right, well-- ok. thank you. yeah. i regret my actions. i regret offending my coworkers. i pledged to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness-- open-mindedness, that even word-- into the workplace. in this way, i can truly be a hero, signed daffy duck. he's going to lose it when he reads that. yeah, hi, is mr. techard around? oh, well, can you just have him call me after lunch? thank you. i pledged to always keep an open mind and an open heart. i do believe in that part of the pledge that i just read. but a pledge? come on. i mean, who are we? the girl scouts? no. look, the guy, mr. brown, he got us halfway there. he got us talking. well, no, i got us talking. he got us nothing. he insulted us, and he abandoned us. you call that diversity training? i don't. were there any connections between any of us? did anyone look each other in the eye? was there any emotion going on? no! where was the heart? i didn't see any heart. where was my oprah moment? ok, get as much done as you can before lunch, because afterward, i am going to have you volunteers. all right, everybody, pretty. come on, here we go. it's time. let's do some good. hey, we're not all going to sit in circle and eat and sell, are we? get out. so-- no. this is not a joke. ok? it was offensive and lame, so double offensive. this is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here. ok, let's go. let's do it. come on, let's have some fun, everybody. here we go. take a seat, cop a squat, and thank you for coming in. diversity is the cornerstone of progress, as i've always said. but don't take my word for it. let's take a look at the tape. hi, i'm michael scott. i'm in charge of dunder mifflin paper products here in scranton, pennsylvania. but i'm also the founder of diversity tomorrow, because today is almost over. abraham lincoln once said that if you're a racist, i will attack you with the north. and those are the principles that i carry with me in the workplace. ok. questions? comments? anybody? jim? is that it? yes, i only had an hour to put it together, but i'm going to add on to it later on. it was kind of hard to hear. yes, that probably had something to do with the camera work. what else? i have a customer meeting. yeah, well, if you leave, we'll only have two left. yes. enjoy. absolutely. namaste. ok, well, since i am leading this, let's get down to business. and why don't i just kind of introduce myself, ok? i am michael, and i am part english, irish, german, and scottish, sort of a virtual united nations. but what some of you might not know is that i am also part native american indian. what part native american? 215. 215-- that's correct. it doesn't make any sense. well, you know what? it's kind of hard for me to talk about. they're suffering. so who else? let's get this popping. come on. who's going? who's going? let's go here. oscar, right here. you're on. ok. michael, both my parents were born in mexico. oh, yeah. and they moved to the united states a year before i was born. yeah. so i grew up in the united states. wow. and i'm a parent from mexican. wow, that is a great story. that's the american dream right there, right? thank you. yeah. let me ask you, is there a term besides mexican that you prefer something less offensive? mexican is an offensive. well, on a certain connotations. like what? like, i don't-- well, i don't know. well, what connotations, michael? no, no, no. must have been something. no. now, remember-- i'm just curious. honesty. yeah. empathy, respect, and gym. gym. hello? hello? i have something here. i want you to take a card. put it on your for-- don't look at the card. i want you to take the card, and i want you to put it on your forehead. and take a card. take a card. any card. and i want you to treat other people like the race that is on their forehead. ok? so everybody has a different race. nobody knows what their race is. so i want you to really go for it. because this is real. you know, this isn't just an exercise. this is real life. and i have a dream that you will really let the sparks fly. get her done. why? because martin luther king is a hero of mine. there's this great chris rock bit about how streets named after martin luther king tend to be more violent. i'm not going to do it, but it's-- oh, this is a good one. hi. how are you? fine. how are you? great. i admire your culture success in america. thank you. bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, olympics of suffering right here. slavery versus holocaust. come on. it's a little less supposed to be. it's going to percolate. no, no, no. well, that was an inverte. we didn't actually plan that. lots of cultures eat rice. it doesn't help me. shalom. i'd like to apply for a loan. that's nice, dwight. ok, do me. something stereotypical so i can get it really quick. ok, i like your food. outback steakhouse. i'm australian, mate. pam. pam, come on. i like your food. no, come on. stir the pot. stir the melting pot, bam. let's do it. let's get ugly. let's get real. ok. if i have to do this, based on stereotypes that are totally untrue, that i do not agree with, you would maybe not be a very good driver. oh, man, am i a woman? you'll notice i didn't have anybody be an arab. i thought that would be too explosive. no pun intended. but i just saw too soon for arabs. maybe next year, you know, the balls in their court. what are you watching? shapasha. really? yeah. i downloaded it on her computer. i hope she doesn't mind. she just had a lot of extra say. no way. no. i think she really likes this stuff. great. she's cute, huh? yeah. yeah, she's engaged, but-- oh, no, the girl in the sketch. oh, yeah. she's hot. yeah. hey. hey. you want to go to the beach? sure. you want to get high? no. i think you do, mom. stop it. ok. all right, no. that's good. you just-- you need to push it. you know, you could go a little bit further. all right. ok. kelly, how are you? i have the longest meeting. oh. welcome to my convenience store. would you like some googie googie? i have some very delicious googie googie. only 99 cents plus tax. try my googie googie. try my googie googie. try my googie googie. try my-- all right. all right. yes. that was great. she gets it. now she knows what it's like to be a minority. mr. deckard, we didn't lose your sale today, did we? excellent. ok. let me just get your-- what's that? no, we didn't close last time. i just need your-- oh. what code were you given? oh, ok. yeah, no, that's actually another salesman here. yeah, i can redo it if you want to do that. oh, we give you a discount? no, i don't blame you. i just hated it when that guy was in here. mr. brown, if that was his real name, i mean, he'd never met any of us before. and here he was telling us how to do our thing. i just wanted-- i just wanted to do it our way, you know, on our own. man, i should have gotten some food. maybe some spaghetti. ok, kevin, you can take off that thing, ok? that would have really, really shown my up witness. i brought in some burritos, or some colored greens, or some pad thai, love pad thai. it's colored greens. what? it's colored greens. it doesn't really make sense, because you don't call them colored people. that's offensive. ok, well, it's after five. so thank you very much. buena vista, oscar. thank you. good job. my man. thank you, brazil. nice. we can go. it's nice. it's fun. it's nice. um, not a bad day.", "/disk/the-office/compressed/J2_t15.mp4" "- hey oscar. - yeah. - when you get a loan, you don't have to use it for exactly what you say you're gonna write. - yes you do. - no, but i mean, once the bank gives you the money, it is your money, you can use it for whatever you want, right? - no kevin, that would be fraud. - every few weeks, we have the same conversation. oscar, yeah? can i pawn off stuff from the office and sell it on ebay? no kevin, you can't. can i say i was an astronaut and sell the movie rights? what do you think, kevin? can i sell time shares in my garage? can i rent out my mom's car when she's a florida? can i be the heir of a, and inherit a lots of money? what is he talking about? - let's say that you tell the bank that you're gonna open up an ice cream store, but instead you buy an ice cream cart. technically, you're still selling ice cream. - i know you have gambling debts. - gambling debts? what? - promise me you will not take out a small business loan and use that money to pay off your bookie. - what's a bookie? i don't even know what you're talking about. you're weird. you are a really weird dude, oscar. okay, malone's coals. this is gonna be awesome. - so, uh, this would be a loan for an ice cream store, like, asking robbins? - we will be selling ice cream. - well, that would help so. - the business will have a mobile component. - yeah, i see you've, uh, underlined that several times here. what does that mean? you'll deliver? - in a way. - okay, so other than delivery and the rhyming name, what are we looking at, exactly? - we have flavors. - flavors? okay. fudge the magic dragon. - what are the ingredients in that? - uh, ice cream? - and you would make the ice cream yourself? - we would just buy the ice cream in a store. or we would make it ourself. - do you know how to make ice cream? - no. - i'll be honest. - i think this stuff's going on in the recycling. so, if he's lucky, we'll shred it first to protect his social security number. i have a lot of questions. - i have a lot of questions for you, too. - really? what kind of questions? - if you grant me this loan about how long will it take for me to have cash in hand? - no, it's not me. you're going to have to worry about it. - nice. - we got exposed wires up there. you can actually hear them sparking, okay? i say, \"give me a budget for repairs.\" they say, \"fix it yourself.\" and we got metal beams touching metal shelves. first rainstorm is going to be a warehouse full of dead people up in here. what the hell? - so, do you have it? - i've got it. let's go. kevin, this is just paper. - oh, my god. i think we've been the target of a sting operation. - come on, kevin. where's the money? - are you wearing a wire? - come on. stop playing games. get me the money. - please do not hurt. - i'm not going to hurt you. do i look like i would hurt you? - oh, hell. - this is a terrible situation you've gotten me into. - i'm sorry. just don't be mad at me. - i'm not going to be mad at you if you give me the money. - come on, man. you have a nice new car, kevin. look at my car. it's so old. get it. okay? look at this car. - that little dude may hurt me if i don't get that bank loan. - bank loan? what's your business plan? - i'm going to sell ice cream out of a cart. - that's a mad solid. but, uh, you're never going to get that loan. - why not? - because you're nervous, sweaty looking man. you know, you project failure. - i know. - come on, we'll wear a house. we'll talk. - i get 100 up front plus 500 more and wants that score of the loan. any other nervous, sweaty people out there that have in money trouble? you know who to call. - we need a secret signal that lets me know if i'm talking too much. - if you hear words, come out of your mouth. let's just sit down. - hi. thanks for waiting. so, malone's cones sounds delicious. - so you enjoy ice cream? - oh, yeah. maybe a little too much. - i can tell by your perfume, you're a woman of distinction. - you have a great vest. - indeed, you do have a vest of very high quality. - oh, well, thank you. - i want you to experience something now. taste the ice cream. - strawberry. - it tastes like briars. - hi. i'm sorry. we've already passed on this application. - hi, brad. how are you? great to see you again. - i don't believe we've met. - this is the ice cream franchise? - yeah. we're not interested. - before you say another word, i want you to taste the ice cream. - i'd rather not. - look, if you taste it and turn us down like a man, cool. we walk out of here like none of this ever happened. - can i ask you something? did you make that or buy it from the store? - oh, boy. - oh, sorry. - don't abort. abort. - it's cool. we don't even need y'all. i'm sure one man has a backup plan. - ice cream. good ice cream. oscar. - you got the loan? - no. i decided that i was going to pay off my debts by selling ice cream. - good luck. - how much for one? - ten dollars. - goodbye. - ice cream. good ice cream."}